Not very far from the fabled Restaurant at the End of the Internet, or an entire universe away, depending on the way you perceive distance in the Void, there floated a citadel of total, complete knowledge. Eons in the past, back before unreality had become the cluttered and crowded miasma we all know and hate today, the citadel had been revered by the scholars which used it. Indeed, a plethora of civilizations called the Void their home in those earliest days. Inhospitable as it was, only the finest, most powerful creatures could thrive in such an environment.
Yet, there came a Cataclysm that threw the entirety of Fiction in disarray, toppling the Conflict and shattering it into thousands of pieces, and wiping vast territories of unreality into the maw of obliteration. Many of these abyssal civilizations either died outright or slunk into the shadows, their influence forgotten. And so, the Secret-fearing, geometry-worshipping powers of the Void became just as hidden as the name of their realm implied. So it went that this citadel, once a mighty tower, was reduced to a mere shade. But fate has a peculiar way of working out. And in the eons since, this footnote of eternity had been turned into one of the stations for the Infinity Train.
SEE, IN THE STUPIDLY VAST REACHES OF THE VOID, TIME AND SPACE LEAVE EXISTENCE BEHIND TO GO ON AN EQUALLY IDIOTIC HONEYMOON! KINDA WHAT YOU’D EXPECT FROM A PLACE DESCRIBED IN ANCIENT TEXTS AS A LAND BEYOND SPACE, BUT PEOPLE STILL MANAGE TO BE SURPRISED! ALL OVER ETERNITY, THERE ARE STORIES OF CIVILIZATIONS MAKING CONTACT WITH THE VOID AND ENGAGING IN ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE THROUGH VOIDSTONE CONTAMIN-ATION, ELDRITCH MEDDLING, OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT. Bill and Flumpty floated down the alabaster staircases of the citadel, winding their way deeper and deeper within. Books long-since burned hovered in limbo around them. SO SOME BAND OF KNUCKLEHEADS DECIDED TO FIGHT AGAINST THE MARCH OF ENTROPY IN A FUTILE GESTURE OF SACRIFICE, AND THEY BUILT THE INFINITY TRAIN! A BULLET TRAIN IN THE MOST LITERAL SENSE OF THE WORD, FLYING THROUGH THE “SKY” AT SPEEDS CLOSE TO THE CUEBALL FIRED FROM A DEUDLY MAGNUM. IT’S A SUREFIRE WAY TO CUT THE VOID’S OBFUSCATIONAL TENDENCY INTO UNDERSTANDABLE PIECES! IN THE INFINITY TRAIN, YOU MOVE AT THE SPEED OF PLOT. NO MORE, NO LESS! WORKS EVERY TIME.
Passing through a ruined archway, Bill and Flumpty floated into what looked like an incredibly abandoned subway. The arched ceiling was high up and obscured by darkness, and the only light came from teal crystals stationed at the wall. Though there were no rails, there seemed to be a line of fluctuating energy mimicking the patterns of the stars that cut through the tunnel. SO, YOU MIGHT BE THINKING, WHAT’S WITH THE NAME? WHY “INFINITY?” FOR STARTERS, IT HAS NO BRAKES. SERIOUSLY! I SAID THAT IT “STOPS” HERE, BUT THAT REALLY MEANS IT JUST PASSES THROUGH HERE, AND YOU HAVE TO GET LUCKY TO HOP ON WITHOUT TEARING A HOLE INTO ANOTHER PLANE. THIS BABY RUNS A CONTINUOUS MOBIUS STRIP ACROSS EVERY COSMOS! OH, AND THERE ARE RUMORS THAT IT’S INFINITELY LONG! NO ONE’S EVER MADE IT TO THE CONDUCTOR’S CABIN AND LIVED! WELL, THERE WAS THAT ONE GUY... Flumpty held up his hand, as if to say ‘enough.’ He turned to look at the cavernous subway hall.
The train will come through this tunnel? Flumpty croaked. His words echoed and bounced across the tunnel. I’D SURE HOPE SO, MY FRIEND! WE’LL HAVE VERY LITTLE TIME TO REACT, EVEN IF IT DOES COME OUT THE RIGHT WAY! BUT, HEHEH, IT’S NOT LIKE THAT’S AN ISSUE... Bill’s pupil slid into the back of his head, and when it surfaced again, he held two vinyl discs floating on red gears in his hands. THE KNIGHT OF TIME PAYS OFF! WHAT MORE CAN I SAY? I HOLD THE ENTIRE FABRIC OF TIME IN MY GRASP, IF IT COMES TO THAT! MAYBE I CAN WRESTLE CONTROL OF THE STUFF AWAY FROM THE VOID FOR ONCE, EH?? Do not rely on the tools of others. Your will is the only constant. Bill looked away for a second. ...RIGHT. Acute. WAS... THAT A JOKE? AN ACTUAL, BONAFIDE JOKE FROM THE FLUMPSTER?? HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN TEACH AN EGG WHITE N—
BANG.
The Void flattened on itself like a pancake, then extended layer upon layer to the heavens like an actual cake, then slid on the ground and fell on the faces of a crowd like a pie, only to writhe into eternal blackness and constitute itself into the shape of a gorilla. The subway seemed to shake to its very foundation, not a single stone remaining in place. Everything slid every which way, and the line of stars within the tunnel shone with a radiant intensity. Bill and Flumpty could barely make out a blurred mass of something careening straight down the tunnel. Bill’s eye turned into an exclamation point, and his hands pumped in the air. THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS! THE INFINITY TRAIN! ALRIGHT, FORGET THE TIMES TABLES! WE DON’T NEED TO MULTIPLY THIS PROBLEM — JUST DIVIDE! BUT WE’LL HAVE TO TIME THIS PERFECTLY. Understood. ON MY MARK, WE FLY FORWARDS AS FAST AS WE CAN! READY?? You’d have to scream to be heard across the all-encompassing travesty that was the sounds of the Infinity Train, but luckily for Bill, he was a natural at it. Flumpty nodded with absolute clarity, and the two turned to look at the train.
Bill’s eye squinted, fire forming in his clenched fists. HALF... LIFE... THREE! On the count of three, the two figures shot forward like bullets themselves, heading straight through an open door on the train. They tumbled onto the luxurious red carpet in a total haze, feeling very disoriented but, for the most part, intact. They dusted themselves off and watched as the door through which they’d came shut, locking itself in twenty different ways simultaneously. Bill and Flumpty, now safely (at least, as safe as they could possibly be) inside the Infinity Train, began to take in their surroundings.
Both walls of the cabin were lined with plush red couches, occasionally interrupted by a desk with either a potted plant, a bottle of some mysterious liquid, or some magazines on it. The floor was adorned with a carpet depicting intricate patterns of tetrominoes, and the ceiling contained light fixtures and what seemed to be advertisements piled on top of advertisements piled on top of advertisements, placed over the years by people looking to get people careening through the gaps between universes to buy something in one of those universes. The walls were lined with windows beyond which the banality of a lightspeed eternity could be seen, as well as what looked like maps of Fiction not dissimilar to the one Bill had conjured up earlier.
Bill and Flumpty quietly and quickly ran to a bench and sat down, vibrating and swaying as the Infinity Train plotted its course through Fiction’s known boundaries. NOW REMEMBER, THE KEY HERE IS TO ACT TOTALLY NATURAL. ACT LIKE YOU BELONG, BECAUSE YOU DO! THIS IS YOUR PARTY, THIS IS YOUR TRAIN! No sooner had these words come out of Bill’s eye than a shadow swept across him and Flumpty. Their faces contorted into what they tried to make neutral expressions, but they ended up looking about as uneasy as they felt. The two looked upwards to see a tall humanoid figure dressed in an impeccable tuxedo, and with a dark cape flowing behind them. Their left arm clenched reflexively. The figure spoke with a chuckle. “Tickets.”
NOT A PROBLEM, KID! “Sir.” SIR! Bill shivered at the idea of addressing someone as his superior. His body turned with a hum to Flumpty, who he then pointed to. MY FRIEND HERE SHOULD HAVE THEM! Bill leaned in closer, knowing that since he had to whisper but physically couldn’t, talking through telepathy was the next best thing. His words bounced through the mindscape and into what was left of Flumpty’s brain. (YOU DID TAKE THE TICKETS FROM THE RESTAURANT, RIGHT?) (Of course.) (WELL THEN HURRY UP AND GET THEM FROM WHATEVER HAMMERSPACE ALCOVE YOU SHOVED THEM INTO! WE DON’T HAVE ALL MILLENNIUM HERE!) (You were the one who told me we did, but as you wish.) Flumpty reached his spindly arm into his limitless mouth which contained the joy of destruction, and fished around for an uncomfortable amount of time. After some time passed without him retrieving the tickets, Bill gave a hearty laugh and turned to the ticketmaster. AS YOU CAN SEE, HE... DOESN’T HAVE ANY POCKETS! SO WE HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH WHAT WE’VE GOT. The ticketmaster seemed unamused.
Bill turned back to Flumpty, re-engaging the telepathic conversation. (WHAT’S TAKING YOU, YOU EGGHEAD??) Flumpty seemed to have adopted a resigned expression. (It appears that the tickets have wandered off.) (WANDERED OFF? TICKETS DON’T JUST WANDER OFF! YOU THINK THEY SPROUTED LEGS AND DECIDED TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF LIKE LEMMIES??) (Lemmings?) (NO, LEMMINGS DON’T ACTUALLY DO THAT. BUT ENOUGH OF THAT! DO YOU HAVE THE TICKETS OR NOT?) Flumpty withdrew his arm from his mouth and looked up at the ticketmaster with mournful eyes. Got ourselves a situation, stuck in a new location, without any explanation, no time for relaxation. The ticketmaster blinked. “Are you quoting Sonic X at me?” Flumpty blinked, and with no hesitation, Bill took out a Timetable and a Quill of Echidna, pressing the tip of the quill to the disc.
Immediately, the entire sphere of reality hurtled to the bottom of existence and shattered. Color ceased to exist, as did motion of any kind. Time stopped like a scratched record. The outlines of everything Bill and Flumpty could see looked fuzzy and blurry. Bill turned to Flumpty with a knowledgable eye. THAT BOUGHT US SOME TIME, BUT IT WON’T LAST FOREVER! Whatever happened to your— OH, COME ON! THAT GUY MUST HAVE GIVEN YOU THE GITCHY FEELING TOO! I SHOULD BE ABLE TO PLACE WHO HE IS, BUT I JUST CAN’T... ANYWAY! LOOK! The mark Bill made had turned into a golden line slowly circumnavigating the Timetable. WHEN THAT MARK MAKES A COMPLETE ROTATION AROUND THE DISC, WE’LL BE STUCK TIME TRAVELLING AT A RATE OF ONE SECOND PER SECOND LIKE THE REST OF THESE LOSERS! SO COME ON! Springing up from their chairs, Bill and Flumpty flew down the rest of the cabin, which was much longer than normal for a train — but then again, nothing about this train conveyed normality. Along the way they passed by only a few passengers, all of which were sitting quietly in place, seemingly undisturbed by the fact that they were hurtling at impossible speeds through impossible locations.
Bill and Flumpty raced to the very end of the cabin, with Bill standing back. Pulling his cane from the bowels of his hat, Bill pointed it at the gilded door, a ball of energy crackling to life. With a silent blast, the door swung from its hinges, as the energy had politely asked the door to open. The two quickly glided through, shutting the hatch behind them. Bill and Flumpty inched across the narrow beam connecting their cabin to the next one in an attempt to at least make what they were doing look dangerous. Daring to glance at the Timetable, Bill saw that its golden ring was almost complete, meaning they had little time before Time. HURRY! THROUGH THE HATCH! Bill shouted. Flumpty, who could transcend time and space when he felt like it, phased through the door. After a second’s pause, as if it was an afterthought, Flumpty pulled Bill through too.
Right as Bill cartwheeled through the new cabin, the golden ring around the Timetable completed its journey. In an explosion of gold energy, color was restored to existence, and time began moving. The sudden appearance of Bill and Flumpty caused everyone around them to quiver, but Flumpty quickly silenced any potential exclamations by snapping his fingers. Immediately, visions of Flumpty’s hard-boiled body peeling and cracking away, the facade committing suicide to reach a heaven of blinding enlightenment filled the minds of everyone present. Their brains snapping into pieces, they slumped over in their seats. Bill whistled, a Shepard tone spiraling into the wind around him. STARTING UP AN OFFICIAL BODYCOUNT, ARE WE? LET’S SEE, THAT’S ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
The door kicked open, a shadowy figure stepping through. It was the ticketmaster from earlier, only now — and both Bill and Flumpty weren’t quite sure how they hadn’t pieced it together earlier — they recognized his appearance. YOU? OH MAN, WHAT A JOKE! NOW I RECOGNIZE YOU! I’D HAVE NEVER EXPECTED TO SEE SOMEONE LIKE YOU HERE! The Godmodder spat out the toothpick in his mouth because it made him look cool. He rolled up his left sleeve, revealing a gleaming robotic arm. “
The Godmodder grimaced, and Bill crackled with gold energy, all his copies unceremoniously sliding back into one whole. OW! HEY... “
Chuckling, the Godmodder paced beside Bill. “
Bill held out his hand, his cane once again materializing at his call. DON’T DO THIS, RICHARD. YOU WANNA HAVE A FIGHT AT THE SEAS OF INFINITY? I’M UP FOR THAT. BUT YOU’D BETTER NOT EXPECT TO TAKE TWO PLOTBENDERS ON AND WIN. The Godmodder laughed, reaching into his cloak and pulling out his comically oversized Banhammer. “
Flumpty tanked the hammer, sending an absolutely intense vibration throughout the Godmodder that broke every bone in his body. He fell to the ground, his body losing any semblance of form and order. Bill looked at the Banhammer, its head still sizzling with smoke. He picked it up and examined it with interest. WELL, THAT WAS A BIT OF AN ANTICLIMAX. Flumpty shook his head. Decoys have little powers. But there are many of them. Bill and Flumpty were aware of an incoming wave of footsteps closing on them.
Bill looked at you with fake delight. WELL THEN! WE’LL... WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.
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“REMEMBER, TO ORDER THE LONGPOSTER™ AND OXICLEAN™, DIAL 901-444-1207! THAT’S 901-444-1207! IF YOU LIVE IN THE UK, DIAL 999! IF YOU LIVE IN THE US, DIAL 911! IF YOU LIVE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY, I’M SO SORRY!”
Bill and Flumpty sat comfortably in their seats, cruising along in the Infinity Train. Flumpty was busy staring out a window, watching the vast clusters of twinkling dust within the Void speed through his peripheral vision. Bill, meanwhile, was busy writing what seemed to be fanfiction in some leather tome, oblivious to the stars and the sky that were completely passing him by. No one else in the cabin seemed to be paying them much attention, either. After several minutes of this, Bill looked up from his book. His eye darted in all directions, including behind him, before he put away the Quill of Echidna he was using as a writing utensil and closed the book. ALRIGHT, WE’RE IN THE CLEAR. Flumpty turned slightly towards his Bill, chattering his mouth excitedly. Bill hopped from his seat and began floating in the air. LOOKS LIKE ALL WE NEEDED WAS A SCENE TRANSITION TO PUT THE LID ON THAT WHOLE MESS! A BUNCH OF TIME JUST PASSED FOR US, EVEN IF NONE OF YOU GOT TO SEE IT! SORRY, KIDS! YOU’RE WHAT US LONG CONNERS CALL “SUCKERS.”
Flumpty twitched erratically, staring with wide eyes into the nonexistent horizon. Do you think the decoys will remember us. Bill dismissed Flumpty with a wave of his hand, tipping everything in the cabin over slightly. SCARRED EYE WAS A FOOL TO THINK HE COULD BEAT US! I TOLD HIM MYSELF, AND HE DIDN’T LISTEN! AND BESIDES, I THINK WE GAVE HIM ENOUGH TO BE SATISFIED. NOW COME ON! WE’RE BURNING VOIDLIGHT HERE, AND THE END OF THE WORLD IS ONLY AN EON AWAY. Motioning Flumpty to follow with his hand, Bill and Flumpty started walking down the cabin, the passengers staying still.
Several cabins behind, the ground was littered with the smoking corpses of ten thousand Decoy Godmodders. Left behind in the carnage was a single living Decoy Godmodder, breathing erratically and heavily injured. With trembling hands, he knelt down and picked up two pieces of golden paper — Bill and Flumpty’s tickets. The Godmodder held them in his hand and crunched it as he stared into the lit-up ceiling, his eyes fluttering as he fell to the ground to join his brothers.
< 1.2: HOPE RIDES ALONE | 1.3: WHY "INFINITY?" | 1.4: THE UNIVERSE LIES >