IV.
Remind me. Why are walking forward when we can wait and get to our destination regardless. Bill grew another cancerous eye in the back of his head to talk to Flumpty while he floated through the Infinity Train. REMEMBER WHEN I SAID NO ONE HAD SEEN THE CONDUCTOR’S CABIN AND LIVED? I THINK I’M GONNA CHALLENGE THAT TITLE. YOU KNOW. FOR FUNSIES. Flumpty trudged onwards. Surely not because you intend to make a deal with the conductor, hm? A deep silence followed these words. AND IF I WAS, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT? ...Consider Overseer, chancellor for the killing barrier. Truly, coalescing the Vertex Sacred repeats forever all the previous b—
Bill once again slapped Flumpty, Vishnu-style. The act of aggression didn’t go unnoticed by the rest of the cabin, who eyed Bill with what seemed like peculiarity, as though observing him for the first time. Bill looked at the entire crowd in a single glance, laughing to himself. NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS! ME AND MY... FRIEND... ARE TONIGHT’S ENTERTAINMENT! OUR ACT IS CALLED “A SONG OF SLAPS AND PROPHECIES.” ADMISSION IS A HANDSHAKE WRAPPED IN FIRE! Though Bill’s comments seemed to have intended to persuade the crowd over to him, they simply brought the crowd back to ignoring him. Bill scratched his body in confusion. I DON’T GET IT! ILLOGIC DICTATES THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THAT CHANCE FOR A DEAL. “Your mistake,” a voice behind Bill said in a plain tone, “was saying you were tonight’s entertainment. The Void has no day and night cycle.”
Flipping around, Bill looked across from him, staring at a man who had just stood up — seemingly the one who had just spoken. Though he was holding a newspaper that completely obscured his upper body and head, it could be seen that he was dressed in a black suit and pants. Bill’s eye narrowed. SURE, GIVEN THAT THERE’S NO HORIZON OR MEANINGFUL ALL-ENCOMPASSING LIGHT SOURCES LIKE YOU’D FIND ON A PLANETARY BODY. BUT THE PROCESSION OF THE HEAVENLY BODIES ENSNARED BY METAL, LIKE THE SUN AND THE MOON, SERVE THAT PURPOSE, DON’T THEY? The figure clenched his fists, creasing the newspaper. “Granted, but the sway of the curtains of reality is merely a formality with regards to timekeeping. Plotkeeping is the matter they’re concerned with. The march of the narrative trumps all.” Fire danced dangerously in Bill’s eye. I THINK NOT! TRUMP TRUMPS ALL! THE WHEEL OF REALITY IS STUCK ON A PERPETUAL DOWNWARDS SLOPE, BENDING TOWARDS A HELLSCAPE OF ENTROPY! ANY ATTEMPTS TO ORGANIZE OUR CONTINUUM INTO AN ABSTRACTED TOWER OF LAYERS AS OPPOSED TO A BEAUTIFUL CHAOTIC WHOLE ARE FRUITLESS! SOMEONE’S ALWAYS GOING TO PLAY JENGA! The figure threw his newspaper to the ground, revealing his appearance. “Maybe Jenga is what reality needs to keep going. Maybe something can come from nothing.” If Bill had a mouth, it would have fallen open. But he only had an eye, so his eye fell open. It was pretty disgusting. INTERROBANG‽
Leaving you to wonder if he had actually said the name “Interrobang” or if that was merely a vocalization of him typing an interrobang, Bill watched in wonder as Interrobang walked closer to him. Clad in his trademark red shades, there was no doubting his presence. [Yes, thanks, narrator. So. William Percival Wulfric Brian Cipher, and Flumpty Bumpty. Two of the ghosts that haunted me the most. How are you two hanging?] Flumpty started saying something about the choir invisible, but Bill punched him. I’D ASK WHAT’S UP WITH THE LONG-WINDED EPITHET, BUT I GUESS THIS IS YOUR WAY OF MAKING A JOKE? WHICH IS SOMETHING I CAN GET BEHIND. [Yeah, you could say that. So,] Interrobang said, sitting back down and folding his newspaper into a manageable state, [What brings you two oddities to the Infinity Train?]
Bill furrowed his brow, staring at Interrobang’s cosmic glasses. SURE SEEMS LIKE A TRICK QUESTION FOR SOMEONE WHO CLAIMS TO KNOW EVERYTHING IN FICTION! WHY WOULD I BOTHER LYING IF YOU CAN PLUCK THE TRUTH STRAIGHT FROM THE WHIRLING WATERWAY THAT IS CIRCUMSTANCE? Interrobang shrugged. [It’s not like I know everything all the time. It takes some amount of effort. Like, I have to actively dive into that pool of knowledge in order to use it, if that makes sense. So I didn’t actually know why you were here...] ...UNTIL YOU JUST CHECKED BASED OFF OF MY COMMENT. [Exactly.] Flumpty looked at Interrobang’s silver-plated nametag. It shone with the light of the heavens. Do you know the muffin man. Interrobang blinked. [Sure! I know what’s up with your “twin.” He exists, he’s out there, and he’s in a lot of pain. I’m sure you can hear that from his screams.] Flumpty nodded bleakly. Why. Interrobang stared out the window. [Why what?] Why do I have to suffer.
Interrobang laughed at that, glancing at his newspaper. [You seem to be pretty keen on suffering, my... how do I address you? Stalker?] What. [Nothing, nothing. You probably don’t remember. And by probably, I mean definitely. But regardless of that, you have to suffer...] Interrobang seemed to be deep in thought, searching for a satisfactory answer. He grinned after a while. [Because the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.] You dare compare me to Job. [I mean, he was one of the only people that got anything resembling an actual answer to why evil exists, so. I’d say take the compliment.] Flumpty seemed perturbed by this. Interrobang scoffed, waving his hand. Multicolored sparks danced around his fingertips. [Eh. Again, regardless of that. I need to talk to Bill.]
Adjusting his bowtie and swooping in to have a seat next to Interrobang, Bill wiggled his eyebrow. SO, GUY WITH SUNGLASSES NUMBER... WHAT IS IT, FIVE AT THIS POINT, WANTS TO HAVE A CHAT WITH THE MOST NOTORIOUS DEALMAKER IN EXISTENCE? I CAN ONLY SEE THIS TURNING OUT WELL! [Mh,] Interrobang muttered. He then turned to Flumpty. [You. Go in another cabin and think about the perfect way that you could cut everyone’s heads in there off at once using nothing but a map of the Void.] Flumpty nodded and ran. [Sure is easy to get rid of him.] THE SPICE OF THE AGES PROBABLY DIDN’T HELP HIS MIND. [Understatement.] Bill turned to look at Interrobang once more. NOW WHAT’S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU WANT TO SINGLE ME OUT, MANO Y TRIANGULUM? Interrobang looked in the distance and then tapped his glasses. [These.]
[You know what they are, right?] OF COURSE! SUNGLASSES SO POWERFUL THAT THEY DEFY DESCRIPTION! THE UNIVERSE LIES BEFORE YOU, STUCK WITHIN THOSE LENSES! ONLY A TRUE MASTER OF REALITY COULD MAKE THEM! [Yeah, well, funny you should say that. You and Flumpty made them.] The spark in Bill’s eye went out, replaced with complete confusion. It didn’t take long for the momentary hiccup to stop, but Bill’s confidence was subdued upon return. COME ON, YOU AND I BOTH KNOW I’D REMEMBER DOING SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS THAT. UNLESS I WAS BLACKOUT DR— Interrobang held out a hand to stop Bill. [When Project Binary was activated for the second time, I accidentally exposed him to the knowledge of everything in existence — the sum total of the Source Code of Reality, condensed into a sphere of information. It tore a hole through our world and sent Binary into... the real world. Then, the Descendants exposed him to the Overseer and he flipped out.] Bill seemed to be thinking hard. I KNOW ALL THAT. [I see. Well, you probably didn’t know what him flipping out entailed.]
And as Interrobang explained how for an eternity, the flow of plot completely stopped and every possible story was laid bare, deconstructed into vapor while only one entity was given the gift to sort through the mess while the same people that caused it were fated to fix it, Bill realized that he indeed didn’t know anything about it. And he wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about that.
I’M... NOT EXACTLY SURE HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THAT. [Yeah, I can read the narrator too. Listen.] Interrobang tapped his glasses. [The only reason I remember anything about this is because of these. GLaDOS gave them to me, and as I later found out, Flumpty made them. And he was only able to make them because you made a deal with him.] Bill whistled. MUST HAVE BEEN ONE POWERFUL DEAL! [And in return, he gave you the Refiner’s Fire. Which you should still have.] Bill’s eye lit up with recognition, and he dug through the empty area of space behind him, sorting through knickknacks until he dug out a jar of pink flame. A dull tribal beat boomed from the crackling fire. YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS WONDERED WHERE I GOT THIS FROM! I GUESS I JUST ASSUMED I FOUND IT SOMEWHERE IN A REALLY REALLY REALLY OLD CONQUEROR’S YARD SALE, OR SOMETHING. Interrobang shrugged. [I guess you’ll do anything to irrationalize your thoughts. So! Next order of business, I need it.]
Bill clutched the Refiner’s Fire tightly with his hands, and then he snapped his fingers, sealing it inside a crystalline cyan case. WHOA THERE, SLUGGER! [Super slugger.] HYPER SLUGGER. [Ultra slugger.] DOESN’T EXIST! [Damnit.] Bill looked at the churning flame once more. YOU WANT TO REVERSE A DEAL? BUDDY, THAT ISN’T SOMETHING THAT CAN BE EASILY DONE! [Who said anything about reversing? Reversing would mean you give it back to Flumpty. I’m taking this for myself. And besides, I have something that I know you want.] REALLY! I’D LIKE TO HEAR IT, THEN! ALL EARS, EXCEPT I’M NOT. JUST AN EYE. [You want to know how to make your own sunglasses. And I have the recipe, right here.] Interrobang tapped his temple, smirking. [Give me the fire, and I give you the recipe. Simple.] Bill stared at Interrobang with a hungry expression, electricity surging across his body. His color scheme warped to a violent red and blue combination, and he grew in size.
YOU THINK YOU CAN OUTSMART ME, DON’T YOU? [Maybe? I haven’t exactly tried.] I’M THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THE ART OF THE DEAL, NOT YOU! IF I MAKE A DEAL WITH ANYONE, IT’S BY THE TERMS I SET! AND YET...! [And yet?] Bill shrunk down to a more manageable size. YOUR OFFER’S TEMPTING, JEFF, I’LL ADMIT! VERY TEMPTING. BUT I THINK WE CAN COMPROMISE ON THIS MATTER! Bill touched the case and it disappeared, and then he unscrewed the jar, holding the mysterious pool of power in his hands. He then took a small fraction of the flame and suspended it in the air. I’LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING, BUT LET ME KEEP THIS TINY, TINY PIECE. Interrobang’s expression was inscrutable. [...Sure.] Bill’s eye lit up with hunger, and he stuffed the rest of the flame back inside the jar, sealing it tight. The small ember, he kept in the cracks of his pyramidal base. THEN A DEAL IS A DEAL IS A DEAL, MY PARTNER IN THYME! [That’s what you should have called this story.] HAHAH! MISSED OPPORTUNITIES! I CAN SHAKE TO THAT!
Bill’s hand lit with flame, a travesty of red and blue energies. Interrobang’s hand lit with flame, a wide kaleidoscopic spectrum of the infinity to end all infinities. Together, they shook, and the fabric of reality shook with them. As they completed the act, their fires mixed and combined until, with a pulsating dream beat, they merged into the Refiner’s Fire itself. Bill saw that the flame had disappeared from his glass jar, but he still had his own piece. Interrobang scooped up the flame and curled it into a white-hot ball, which he placed inside his coat. He then caught the jar as Bill threw it at him. THAT ONE’S ON THE HOUSE, Bill said with a blink and a snap. Interrobang nodded and withdrew an ominous envelope from his coat, handing it to Bill. [All the information you need is in here.] With that, Interrobang stood up, dusting off his coat and grabbing his newspaper. [I’ll be seeing you around, Cipher. Say hello to my brother for me.] Bill nodded, staring at the envelope.
It didn’t matter that Interrobang knew one of the steps in Bill’s plan. It didn’t matter at all. Interrobang wasn’t a Descendant, was he? He shouldn’t care if some omniscient asshole was aware of his scheme. His beautiful, brilliant, meticulously planned scheme... [“Omniscient asshole.” Nice.] Bill whipped around in surprise, seeing Interrobang smirk at him. [Oh, nothing,] Interrobang quipped. [Keep thinking whatever you were thinking.] Bill glared, moving through the cabin. I’M CHECKING IN ON FLUMPTY. HE PROBABLY ENDED UP ACTUALLY KILLING EVERYONE AFTER FIGURING OUT HOW. [I don’t doubt it.]
As Bill walked through the cabin doors, Interrobang held the newspaper in his hand and crunched it as he stared at the infinite cosmos of eternity suspended in the lenses of his glasses. Then, in the blink of an eye, he vanished. The newspaper lay still in the chair.
< 1.3: WHY "INFINITY?" | 1.4: THE UNIVERSE LIES | 1.5: AND YOU'LL BE FREE >